* as long as the kids get the time and attention they need.
Two-income families get divorced WAY LESS than single-earner households. Here’s why two incomes can lead to more fulfillment and lower stress.
(disclaimer- my philosophy on marriages/families is that couples need to discuss and choose an arrangement that works best for the family. There are many different ways to be successful, and it is not my intent to criticize or denigrate anyone’s choice or the way they structure their work in and out of the home. Your mileage may vary. Please keep this in mind as you read)
You have a job you don’t like, a boss who’s a jerk, few advancement opportunities on the horizon, and it’s a tough economy to find a comparable job somewhere else.
But, you have a wife and two kids. They rely 100% on your income, and on your employer’s health insurance plan. You have a mortgage, car payments, and you are desperately trying to put aside some money for college and retirement.
So, what do you do?
Well, you probably suck it up, and do what you have to for your family- after all, their needs come first.
But this comes at a cost. You are a more stressed, less happy person. You have all the pressure to provide for your family on your shoulders- and of course, even this job you don’t like doesn’t come with guarantees. Your wife is also probably frustrated about being trapped in the house and stressed about finances, too.
- “It’s not really what I want to do, but it pays the bills.”
- “It’s not really my ideal job, but the benefits are good,”
- “Hey, working for the man pays the bills.”
- “I don’t have time to find work I’m happy about.”
- “Yeah, wait till you have a family and then let’s talk about your ideal job.”
You are far more likely to be stuck in a job if it is the only financial lifeline for your family. And considering you spend more time in your adult life working than anything else (besides sleeping), a soul-sucking job can have huge emotional and physical consequences.
So what can you do about it? I may be an ivory-tower idealist*, but even I can’t advocate risking your family’s financial future on taking a huge leap into the unknown (especially as the vast majority of small businesses fail) without building a safety-net first.
Maybe the best solution isn’t what you do. Instead, maybe it is what your spouse can do. And that may very well be to get a job (Ladies- I am not denigrating unpaid housework or the contribution of primary caretakers/homemakers, please hear me out!).
Depending on your family situation (having pre-school age children may prevent this, for example), having a second income can improve a marriage and a family in many ways.
The benefits of dual-incomes are best articulated in the book Getting to 50/50 by Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober. The book is primarily focused on women’s issues, but is even-handed, appreciative of good husbands, and has lots of implications for men.
Meers and Strober assert that one of the best things women can do, both for themselves and their families, is to get at least a part-time job outside the home. They cite the following (from the American Journal of Sociology):
Marriages in which there is a sole breadwinner get divorced at a rate 14% above average, the highest of any income split. This is likely due to the fact that 100/0 marriages are more likely to have less income, more financial stressors, a more stressed-out provider, and a home-maker who is also probably overstressed and frustrated at being restricted to a single role.
Further, they state that if both spouses work at least some outside the home, they have more common experiences, have more to talk about, and can better relate to each other’s problems and emotions (as opposed to “my wife doesn’t understand my work pressures and need to relax some when I get home” and “my husband doesn’t recognize all the work I do all day and that I need a break when he gets home.” The book also talks about the positives for children, especially girls, but that’s another article).
This second job doesn’t have to be equally lucrative or demanding to bring these benefits. A 20-hour a week part-time job brings extra income and psychic benefits to both partners. In fact, balancing one high-income, demanding career job, with a second job that is more family- and lifestyle-friendly, seems to be the best match, especially if the secondary income has health insurance.
In fact, despite the book title, the presented evidence indicates that couples who have a roughly 62/38 split on income (and roughly the opposite proportion of housework/child care) exhibit the lowest levels of divorce (an amazing 51% below the average!!! and 65% below 100/0 marriages).
Further evidence comes from Kathleen Gerson’s 2010 book, The Unfinished Revolution, that discussed how, among those under 30, about 80% of women and 70% of men desire an egalitarian marriage in which both partners share breadwinning, housekeeping, and child rearing. This finding is echoed by Boston College’s New Dads study, which found 70% of men aspired to shared providing/caretaking. (in reality, this egalitarian ideal is difficult to attain- to be discussed in future posts).
And I’ve seen this play out in a few of my friends’ lives.
- I have a friend who left his ok job and went into business for himself, thanks to the fact that his wife is a state employee with a good enough income and great family benefits that allowed him to make the leap
- I have a friend who was able to leave his job and enter a training program in a different field, and now he is working at a job he loves (and that can eventually lead to very high income), because his wife is a federal employee with great benefits
- I have a friend who was unexpectedly laid off. He found work relatively quickly, but having the financial buffer of his wife’s career meant they stayed afloat
- I have a friend who became a stay-at-home-dad and started a home-based business after their daughter was born. His wife had the more stable job/income to allow this to happen.
- I have a friend who was able to leave a pressurized full-time job for a dream 18-month consulting opportunity because his wife took a job with benefits
From where I sit (and you never really know about people’s marriages from the outside), these families seem happier than they did before the career switches. In many ways, happier parents make better, more involved parents, and everyone, especially the kids, gain from this (more on the benefits to kids of two involved parents- both mom and dad, in future posts)
* actual recent quote
So what do you think about the benefits of two incomes? The potential drawbacks? What is your experience? Let’s discuss in the comments section.
This article was reprinted at the Good Men Project online men’s magazine.
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